Thursday, February 21

Where's my Neverland?

I think I have finally come to terms with my Peter Plan complex - my fear of growing up. It's taken me a while to realize it, but I'm finally coming out of denial that I am getting older and it is catching up with me.

I do not want to grow up. I do not want responsibility. I'll be 22 in July. I'll have my first Bachelor's in only a little over 2 months. I'll be financially emancipated in May. All of this scares the living shit out of me. I'm not sure what I want to do with my degree. I'll probably end up staying at Wag A Lot until I can save up enough money and/or get a loan so I can go back to school in 2009. I wish I could find an internship or a job related to my field, but unless it pays amazingly, I can't take the pay cut. I honestly like the way I live right now - go to work from 6:30 in the morning until 2 in the afternoon, come home & nap, and then wake up & do whatever. Obviously I'm not going to be able to do this forever. I just wish I could make a living by working full-time at a bookstore or a library and running around with my camera in my downtime.

Not only is the amount of responsibility in my life changing, I already feel my body changing. This also scares me to death. I can't sleep past 9 o'clock in the morning anymore, and I'm in bed asleep by 11. When I was in high school, I could eat whatever I wanted without gaining wait. This carried on up through my freshman and sophomore year of college. I feel like that all changed the second I turned 20. I have cellulite now - CELLULITE! If I had the time and money to do yoga 3-4 times a week, I would. Working 4 days a week and going to school 2 days leaves me Sundays to do everything - laundry, errands, school work. Maybe once I graduate I'll have the time to start working out consistently. Until then, I'll have to deal with the belly pooch & love handles I've got going on right now.

I just ended the most serious, intense relationship I've ever been in. Since I was, like, sixteen I have been in serious relationships - I had the highschool sweetheart, the freshman year boyfriend, the year and a half boyfriend, and now this - my first relationship in my early 20's. It was a long, hard fight by two people who just weren't compatible, and it just ended up not working out - it's a hard reality to face. I think it is time for me to be alone for a while and to really get used to that - to enjoy being a college grad - to enjoy my friends, my family, my dog, my hobbies. I need to do all of these things on my own terms and learn things about myself.

I feel like the next year or two (or three or four or five...) is going to bring a lot of change, and I need to put my grown-up face on and deal with it head on...

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