Mom,
I love you a lot. You and I are really close, closer than me & Dad, which is why I always call you when I don't feel good, or I feel stressed out, or I'm just generally unhappy. Well, yesterday I called you in tears because my stomach was killing me, so much so that I was doubled over at work, grabbing anything I could when waves of pain hit. Then I figured it out: I probably have a damn stomach ulcer. Why do I have a stomach ulcer? Because I have stressed myself to death over stupid, pointless things. Or maybe it's my excessive use of ibuprofen to help quell the intense tension headaches I get because, once again, I'm so stressed all the time. So, I love you but please do not tell me I am bringing it on myself and I need to exercise or do yoga more or I need to start journaling my thoughts. I will tell you exactly what I need.
Drugs.
Yea, I said it. Legal, doctor prescribed ones of course. I know you don't believe in prescription medication for mental health. That's why you didn't put your son on Adderall when we found out he had some form of ADHD when he was young, and then he struggled through school for tenyears. But seriously, I am begging you to not judge me when I say I'm going to go get put on something for anxiety.
Now, I know I'm a grown woman now, and I know I can put myself on medication if I want. I understand you don't want a zombie for a daughter. However, honestly if I'm not put on something to stop my mind from racing, I am going to start self-medicating more so than I already have.
Guess I should probably inform you about my newfound relationship with a little lady named Mary Jane because guess what? I don't have to think about anything when I'm fucked up, not how I'm going to pay my rent and bills, not if my hours are going to be cut at work again, not how my incarcerated boyfriend is doing, not if I'm going to get into grad school, and not if the guy at work is going to grab my shoulders in a creepy way or not today. Lately, I really don't want to be thinking.
So, Mom, as much as I love you, I really think I am not going to respect your wishes this time. I hope you understand one day that it might have saved my sanity. I'm only 22 years old. I don't need to be having stress headaches and stomach ulcers and all sorts of various ailments brought on my stress. As soon as I get back from Oxford this weekend, I'm making an appointment with the psychiatrist, and that's that.
Love,
Your Daughter
Thursday, July 17
Monday, July 14
Seriously, America? Seriously?
Wow. From my understanding, the artist meant it as a satire for the way right-wing media treats Barack & Michelle. I think I speak for most people when I say it failed badly - very badly.Brief:
-I've started taking melatonin at night; however, I've also started having chronic headaches. Not sure if this is related but it is possible.
-Two days till I am en route to Oxford! I am hoping very hard (my personal version of praying) that I can hide the tatts from my grandmother for 72 hours.
-"Everlong", "Ramblin Man", AND "My Own Worst Enemy" on Rock Band II?I really do need to hop on that bandwagon.
-Oh, Josh.
-Drake does my job for me:
Saturday, July 12
A lot of rant, a little rave.
This is an example of what happens when you get when you pay half a thousand dollars for a phone that the company hasn't come anywhere near to perfecting. Not to be a total jackass, but I'm getting pretty tired of hearing about how awesome it is when in actuality it has a lot of things wrong with it and has for a while. Just because it's made by Apple does not mean it's infallible (see: this article). You know, I'm pretty broke, but I've got a decent laptop, a phone that doesn't break when I drop it on an everyday basis, and an old 30g iPod with scratches all over it; they may not be the newest things in the world, but they all work just fine, and in the mean time, I can start to save money for non-material things that will actually better my life, like an education.
I seriously cannot wait to move far from Atlanta even if it is a year away. A year ago when I started looking at the prospect of going to grad school in another state I was really scared of leaving my family and everything that I had known for almost ten years now. Now that I've gotten my undergrad degree though and I feel like I've got a good head on my shoulders, I am itching to leave. Being somewhere new where I don't know anyone is going to be scary, but at the same time, I think it is going to be a great opportunity to meet people who share my interests and ambitions. I love my friends, but I just feel like I'm at a point in my life where I need to meet new people and branch out.
Not to make this post a total bitch-fest, but work is driving me crazy. It's gotten monotonous; I've been doing the same thing there for two years now. No change in responsibility, hardly any change in pay...it's gotten ridiculous. Every day that I go in I just count the hours till I can leave. It's just been increasingly worse ever since I found out I didn't get the editorial assistant position. I probably will end up staying here until next summer just because I don't want to get another job and then leave to go to school, but seriously, I'm at my wit's end.
Like everyone else in America, I'm pretty stoked on the new Batman movie - and I haven't even seen Batman Begins.
And this picture makes me laugh every time I see it.
I seriously cannot wait to move far from Atlanta even if it is a year away. A year ago when I started looking at the prospect of going to grad school in another state I was really scared of leaving my family and everything that I had known for almost ten years now. Now that I've gotten my undergrad degree though and I feel like I've got a good head on my shoulders, I am itching to leave. Being somewhere new where I don't know anyone is going to be scary, but at the same time, I think it is going to be a great opportunity to meet people who share my interests and ambitions. I love my friends, but I just feel like I'm at a point in my life where I need to meet new people and branch out.
Not to make this post a total bitch-fest, but work is driving me crazy. It's gotten monotonous; I've been doing the same thing there for two years now. No change in responsibility, hardly any change in pay...it's gotten ridiculous. Every day that I go in I just count the hours till I can leave. It's just been increasingly worse ever since I found out I didn't get the editorial assistant position. I probably will end up staying here until next summer just because I don't want to get another job and then leave to go to school, but seriously, I'm at my wit's end.
Like everyone else in America, I'm pretty stoked on the new Batman movie - and I haven't even seen Batman Begins.
And this picture makes me laugh every time I see it.
Monday, July 7
Rebels '09.
It's funny - ever since I graduated, all I can think about is going back to school next fall. Even though I've still got a year before I plan on going, I still want to be as prepared as possible. Next week my mom and grandma and I are going to visit Oxford and tour Ole Miss (and Rowan Oak!!), and I am so freakin' excited. At first, I was really nervous about choosing the school as my grad school just because it's so far away from everything I know (6 hrs from the ATL); however, it is my only option if I want my MBA in Southern Studies, and I actually think Oxford would be a nice change of scenery. It only has a population of 20,000 (35,000 when school is in session)...a big step down from Atlanta's 5.3 million. The cost of living is pretty low, but the town still has some nice restaurants and bars with live music (Proud Larry's, anyone?), plus a lake nearby and this seemingly awesome bookstore called Square Books. I think I'll be okay there...as long as I get some visits from Atlanta folks, maybe for some tailgating at football games?
The MBA program is really small, and the Center for the Study of Southern Culture seems like it's going to offer a lot of hands on experience and will let me work closely with faculty that might be really helpful in landing a job later on down the road. Plus, they offer courses in documentary fieldwork and photography which I think may be a direction I try and follow once I'm there. Working on a documentary about Southern culture or about Southern writers would pretty much be my dream job.
I am really nervous about getting in though. It is the only grad school I will apply to, more than likely. I graduated magna cum laude from Georgia State so I know my GPA isn't an issue; I'm just not sure how that will really stack up against other people. Plus, I have to take the GRE still, and I'm not totally confident in how I will do - I hate standardized testing (especially analogies), and I haven't had any sort of math class since I was 18. I know can get two good letters of recommendation, and the 500-word statement of purpose won't be a problem. It's just that damn GRE - seriously scares the living daylights out of me.
I'm pretty nervous about what my finances will be like down there. Luckily, Ole Miss's tuition isn't too costly in comparison to other grad schools; if I go full time, out of state tuition in fees will be $5,000 a semester. Once I can claim residency, it will be split in half to about $2,500. Today at work I looked at a bunch of scholarships & grants that I want to apply for, and I'm going to try to get an assistantship so I can get a tuition waiver and maybe a living stipend. I probably will still take out of a loan because if possible, I'd like to be a TA and go to school full-time and avoid working and doing something like waiting tables. I need to check out some financial aid books from the library and fill out FAFSA when its that time. I'm going to try and start saving some money for when I do move, but honestly, it's hard to save money when you hardly make enough to live in the first place...
In non-school related news, as trashy as it is, I Love Money is an amazing show as pure entertainment. Oh, VH1 - always keepin' it classy. Mr. Boston might be the most awkward individual alive. Bless his heart.
Also, big ups to the Braves for winning the record-setting 17 inning game at Turner Field last night! We can always rely on Mark Teixeira to do something amazing and manage to adjust himself more than anyone else on the field while doing it.
Last weekend I went & looked at a basement apartment in a house owned by an Emory grad student in her mid-20s. I really liked the house, and she seemed really nice. It has a private entrance and a fenced in backyard; it's 1200 square feet (twice the size of my apt now), most of which is in the bedroom. I probably will end up buying some room dividers and making one half the bedroom and one half an "office" with my desk and such. It is a hideous salmon color with wood paneling that I definitely am going to paint a more neutral color. The bathroom is bigger than what I have now, and the living room is small but doable. The kitchen is a half kitchen with only a fridge, sink, and very little counter space. However, I am not exactly known for my culinary skills (that'd be Josh's job), so I don't need a big kitchen although if I did, I can use the one upstairs There is no washer/dryer hookup downstairs, but I have full access to the one upstairs. The rent is $75 cheaper than what I pay now, and my utilities would be split three-ways with the other tenants upstairs. I'm definitely going to go with it - this marks the fourth year in a row that I have made a move.
I leave you with one of my favorite pictures of Drake ever. This was on his first birthday last week with his new chicken toy.
The MBA program is really small, and the Center for the Study of Southern Culture seems like it's going to offer a lot of hands on experience and will let me work closely with faculty that might be really helpful in landing a job later on down the road. Plus, they offer courses in documentary fieldwork and photography which I think may be a direction I try and follow once I'm there. Working on a documentary about Southern culture or about Southern writers would pretty much be my dream job.
I am really nervous about getting in though. It is the only grad school I will apply to, more than likely. I graduated magna cum laude from Georgia State so I know my GPA isn't an issue; I'm just not sure how that will really stack up against other people. Plus, I have to take the GRE still, and I'm not totally confident in how I will do - I hate standardized testing (especially analogies), and I haven't had any sort of math class since I was 18. I know can get two good letters of recommendation, and the 500-word statement of purpose won't be a problem. It's just that damn GRE - seriously scares the living daylights out of me.
I'm pretty nervous about what my finances will be like down there. Luckily, Ole Miss's tuition isn't too costly in comparison to other grad schools; if I go full time, out of state tuition in fees will be $5,000 a semester. Once I can claim residency, it will be split in half to about $2,500. Today at work I looked at a bunch of scholarships & grants that I want to apply for, and I'm going to try to get an assistantship so I can get a tuition waiver and maybe a living stipend. I probably will still take out of a loan because if possible, I'd like to be a TA and go to school full-time and avoid working and doing something like waiting tables. I need to check out some financial aid books from the library and fill out FAFSA when its that time. I'm going to try and start saving some money for when I do move, but honestly, it's hard to save money when you hardly make enough to live in the first place...
In non-school related news, as trashy as it is, I Love Money is an amazing show as pure entertainment. Oh, VH1 - always keepin' it classy. Mr. Boston might be the most awkward individual alive. Bless his heart.
Also, big ups to the Braves for winning the record-setting 17 inning game at Turner Field last night! We can always rely on Mark Teixeira to do something amazing and manage to adjust himself more than anyone else on the field while doing it.
Last weekend I went & looked at a basement apartment in a house owned by an Emory grad student in her mid-20s. I really liked the house, and she seemed really nice. It has a private entrance and a fenced in backyard; it's 1200 square feet (twice the size of my apt now), most of which is in the bedroom. I probably will end up buying some room dividers and making one half the bedroom and one half an "office" with my desk and such. It is a hideous salmon color with wood paneling that I definitely am going to paint a more neutral color. The bathroom is bigger than what I have now, and the living room is small but doable. The kitchen is a half kitchen with only a fridge, sink, and very little counter space. However, I am not exactly known for my culinary skills (that'd be Josh's job), so I don't need a big kitchen although if I did, I can use the one upstairs There is no washer/dryer hookup downstairs, but I have full access to the one upstairs. The rent is $75 cheaper than what I pay now, and my utilities would be split three-ways with the other tenants upstairs. I'm definitely going to go with it - this marks the fourth year in a row that I have made a move.
I leave you with one of my favorite pictures of Drake ever. This was on his first birthday last week with his new chicken toy.
Thursday, July 3
"I wanna swim away but I don't know how; sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean."
The past month has been really trying for me. A lot of things in my life just feel like they have been falling apart - friendships, relationships, my career path (or lack thereof)...nothing seems to be what it used to be. I feel myself isolating myself from people or things that I used to love, including my family. A major blow was dealt to my relationship that, needless to say, complicates things quite a bit. On a side note, I have no faith in the judicial system. And while they were "very impressed" with me, the company I interviewed with decided to go with someone who had more experience in graphic design. They offered me some part time contract work this summer (I accepted but haven't heard anything yet) and said they will still need to fill the position later on this year, but I honestly will probably just keep my job at The Wag and concentrate on busting my ass to get into grad school.
I'm going to be 22 in a matter of three weeks, and while that seems old to me, in the grand scheme of things I'm still fairly young. Sometimes I feel like I'm too young to be dealing with the things I deal with, but then again, I guess this is what they call life lessons. I just wish they had waited a little longer to manifest themselves in my life.
So, as truly shitty as I've felt for the past couple of weeks, I'm just trying to throw myself into things I love: photography, reading, Drake, etc. I'm trying to get out and do things I don't normally do, and I already feel it making a difference. I went kayaking at Up the River Outfitters in Buford for four hours (ten miles!) the other day and got the best sleep I've had in a while. We went camping up at Lake Hartwell Camping and Cabins in South Carolina last weekend, and it was a blast, although I'm still covered in mosquito bites.
I've started an account with flick'r to keep track of my photography. I think seeing regular people (not necessarily "photographers") photography on a regular basis will motivate me to get out there and shoot more. If anyone is interested in checking it out, the address is http://www.flickr.com/photos/meghanyea/ - leave me some feedback, I love it.
Apologies to my mother, but I am planning on getting another tattoo after my birthday. I am going to get a sailor jerry-style traditional horseshoe tattoo on my right wrist for good luck because, let's face it, I have none. I think I want it to be about pretty small, about 1 1/2" in height, colored blue/black with some white shading. Also, when (when not if) I get my acceptance letter from Ole Miss for grad school, I'm going to get my Faulkner tattoo on my back. I just can't help it. It really is true what they say ... you can't just get one.
All stress aside, I really love nights spent at Northside Tavern.
The end.
I'm going to be 22 in a matter of three weeks, and while that seems old to me, in the grand scheme of things I'm still fairly young. Sometimes I feel like I'm too young to be dealing with the things I deal with, but then again, I guess this is what they call life lessons. I just wish they had waited a little longer to manifest themselves in my life.
So, as truly shitty as I've felt for the past couple of weeks, I'm just trying to throw myself into things I love: photography, reading, Drake, etc. I'm trying to get out and do things I don't normally do, and I already feel it making a difference. I went kayaking at Up the River Outfitters in Buford for four hours (ten miles!) the other day and got the best sleep I've had in a while. We went camping up at Lake Hartwell Camping and Cabins in South Carolina last weekend, and it was a blast, although I'm still covered in mosquito bites.
I've started an account with flick'r to keep track of my photography. I think seeing regular people (not necessarily "photographers") photography on a regular basis will motivate me to get out there and shoot more. If anyone is interested in checking it out, the address is http://www.flickr.com/photos/meghanyea/ - leave me some feedback, I love it.
Apologies to my mother, but I am planning on getting another tattoo after my birthday. I am going to get a sailor jerry-style traditional horseshoe tattoo on my right wrist for good luck because, let's face it, I have none. I think I want it to be about pretty small, about 1 1/2" in height, colored blue/black with some white shading. Also, when (when not if) I get my acceptance letter from Ole Miss for grad school, I'm going to get my Faulkner tattoo on my back. I just can't help it. It really is true what they say ... you can't just get one.
All stress aside, I really love nights spent at Northside Tavern.
The end.
Friday, June 13
Brief.
Not that great quality, but this was so funny. I want to read this book. Looks like I'll add it to the list!
The new H&M opened in Atlantic Station - finally! I'm sure the lines are going to be insanely long these next few weeks, but I definitely hope to get out there soon. I went to the flagship store at Northpoint a couple of weeks ago & bought a ton of stuff for relatively cheap. It might be dangerous for me to go to the much, much larger store...
I had my final interview for the editorial assistant position on Thursday. It is now between me and two other individuals, narrowed down from 90. I have a feeling I am the youngest candidate - the office consists of three people, all probably over the age of 55. I hope this is an advantage to me though. I will know by the middle of next week if I got the job or not. If not, it is back to the drawing board for this kid.
The Braves are really breaking my heart. So many boys on the DL. I really think we are cursed this season.
Friday, June 6
Is it really already June?
I would have thought with school being done that my life would have maybe slowed down a bit, but if anything, it has only gotten busier. I'm working full-time while simultaneously trying to find another job and get back on track with having a social life again. Honestly, this is turning out to be one of the best summers ever though, so I really cannot complain.
As of right now, I'm anxiously awaiting hearing back from the editorial assistant position I interviewed for last week. Out of 90 responses, they narrowed it down to myself and five other people. I went in for my in-person interview and did some exercises last Thursday, and the head of the company told me I would be hearing back by the end of this week. It seriously is the ideal job for me and super close to my house; I will be seriously upset if I don't get it. Other than that, I interviewed for a job at a non-profit organization yesterday, and while the interview went well, there is no way I will take the job. It's for a great cause, but I can't handle 70-80 hours a week on $24k a year. It looks like it will be back to Craigslist/Monster/CareerBuilders/whatever I can find if the editorial assitant position falls through.
I finally found a record player on eBay, and I love it! It sits on my bar, and depending on my mood, it keeps a steady rotation of either the Beastie Boys' "License to Ill" EP, Nick Drake's "Pink Moon"EP, or Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Cosmo's Factory". I've never been to Kudzu, which is kind of inexcusable, seeing as how it is right behind my current job; they are supposed to have a good selection of vinyl though, so I think I may go over there tomorrow and just browse.
I was hoping I could get back into photography now that school is out, but when it's 95 degrees at noon, I have a really hard time motivating myself to go shoot. I went to The Camera Doctor the other day to have my first roll from my Holga developed, and the owner and his wife were super helpful. I keep leaving the bulb setting on, resulting in almost all my pictures being blurry. I put a roll of black&white in there the other day, so I think I may just bite the bullet and venture out into the heat tomorrow. I want to go shoot the train yard & the mural on Dekalb Ave; they have reopened Oakland finally so I'll be able to go over there as well.
John Smoltz had surgery the other day and is done for the rest of the season - kind of broke my heart a little bit. I hope he can come back next year. All the injuries on the Braves team this year makes me wonder if we did something to piss someone off somewhere - is this karma? I knew things were bad when Peter Moylan had to get surgery early on...then Smoltz and Diaz and Kotsay were placed on the DL...and now Smoltz is having surgery. What is the deal? We have the worst road record in the MLB too - come on! I'm trying to go posteason here, Bobby - whip those boys into shape.
I feel like I have become much more self-aware since the year started. I have had the most time to myself in the past four months than I have ever - living by myself has taught me that it is okay for me to just hang out at night on the futon with Drake and that if I want to go out and have a drink (or two or three) with the girls, that's okay too. I even mustered the balls to tell my mom about my tattoos, and she was surprisingly cool with it. I feel the most content with my life right now than I have in a while, and it really is a great feeling. I just can't believe I will be 22 next month. It seriously blows my mind. I need to go get my license picture changed finally because, needless to say, I no longer am 18 with long brown hair, ha. I just wish I didn't hate the DMV so damn much.
In closing, this is all I have to say:
As of right now, I'm anxiously awaiting hearing back from the editorial assistant position I interviewed for last week. Out of 90 responses, they narrowed it down to myself and five other people. I went in for my in-person interview and did some exercises last Thursday, and the head of the company told me I would be hearing back by the end of this week. It seriously is the ideal job for me and super close to my house; I will be seriously upset if I don't get it. Other than that, I interviewed for a job at a non-profit organization yesterday, and while the interview went well, there is no way I will take the job. It's for a great cause, but I can't handle 70-80 hours a week on $24k a year. It looks like it will be back to Craigslist/Monster/CareerBuilders/whatever I can find if the editorial assitant position falls through.
I finally found a record player on eBay, and I love it! It sits on my bar, and depending on my mood, it keeps a steady rotation of either the Beastie Boys' "License to Ill" EP, Nick Drake's "Pink Moon"EP, or Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Cosmo's Factory". I've never been to Kudzu, which is kind of inexcusable, seeing as how it is right behind my current job; they are supposed to have a good selection of vinyl though, so I think I may go over there tomorrow and just browse.
I was hoping I could get back into photography now that school is out, but when it's 95 degrees at noon, I have a really hard time motivating myself to go shoot. I went to The Camera Doctor the other day to have my first roll from my Holga developed, and the owner and his wife were super helpful. I keep leaving the bulb setting on, resulting in almost all my pictures being blurry. I put a roll of black&white in there the other day, so I think I may just bite the bullet and venture out into the heat tomorrow. I want to go shoot the train yard & the mural on Dekalb Ave; they have reopened Oakland finally so I'll be able to go over there as well.
John Smoltz had surgery the other day and is done for the rest of the season - kind of broke my heart a little bit. I hope he can come back next year. All the injuries on the Braves team this year makes me wonder if we did something to piss someone off somewhere - is this karma? I knew things were bad when Peter Moylan had to get surgery early on...then Smoltz and Diaz and Kotsay were placed on the DL...and now Smoltz is having surgery. What is the deal? We have the worst road record in the MLB too - come on! I'm trying to go posteason here, Bobby - whip those boys into shape.
I feel like I have become much more self-aware since the year started. I have had the most time to myself in the past four months than I have ever - living by myself has taught me that it is okay for me to just hang out at night on the futon with Drake and that if I want to go out and have a drink (or two or three) with the girls, that's okay too. I even mustered the balls to tell my mom about my tattoos, and she was surprisingly cool with it. I feel the most content with my life right now than I have in a while, and it really is a great feeling. I just can't believe I will be 22 next month. It seriously blows my mind. I need to go get my license picture changed finally because, needless to say, I no longer am 18 with long brown hair, ha. I just wish I didn't hate the DMV so damn much.
In closing, this is all I have to say:
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